Sharing can be good, and not just in kindergarten.

My entries are sporadic, to say the least. Every time I get to the log-on page of my blog, I hesitate.

How do I write an entry about my current well-being, and not freak people out about the severity of my feelings?

I have had some incredible, and nearly debilitating, bouts of depression since the miscarriage. They have been so bad at times, that I don't contact many people for fear of giving them an insight to how low I am. If they get that peek, I fear that they will be sucked into my vacuum. And I don't want people to join me. It's scary enough for one person to handle.

I have waited out the episodes, which have lasted weeks, or even days. I have approached my doctor, I have seen a counselor. And now, I'm finding that the epidodes are fewer, and they are getting less severe, week-by-week, month-by-month.

During the worst times, I see the world as dull, bland, dark, and depressing. People around me seem too happy, too excited, too content in my dark world. I think bad thoughts about people that exclaim in happiness about life events, wishing that they could understand the despair that others can feel. Why do they take for granted the ability to conceive and grow a baby to full-term?

During the episodes of depression, I live in daily fear that friends will want to meet or talk. I don't want anyone to get a glimpse of how I feel. After all, it's scary enough that I understand how I feel, I don't want anyone to know that I am capable of these feelings.

I feel like... a monster.

So, it's been hard to talk about it, or write about it. I've told no one about these feelings, except to my husband. Not even to my best friend... After all, she is pregnant herself.

But the other day, despite my fears and feelings, I reached out every so gently to her.

I started the conversation, "I'm need to apologize... I haven't been there for your pregnancy 100%. I just want you to know that I AM happy for you. EXTREMELY happy..."

I began to explain the debilitating depression that, at times, puts me in a really bad place. I explained how severe it can be, and how terrible I can feel. At times, I feel angst, sadness and even contempt for others. I went on to explain how much I hate myself for feeling this way.

Then, she responded with the kindest words. Words that I never expected could be spoken. She understood my feelings, she told me to not feel guilty. She explained that many times, she wanted to share how she felt regarding my miscarriage in detail, but never felt the opportunity was right.

After my feelings were out in the open, and her feelings were shared, something incredible happened. A ray peeked out through the darkness. My shoulders lifted slightly. My head cleared a little bit.

I felt better.

And it felt good.