Hurry up and wait...

Living in the in-between is so hard. We are mentally ready to move, but physically waiting until the move-date is close before uplifting the items in our house and packing everything up...

I let my husband do some cleaning around the house while I went out with some friends for a much-needed catch up session. He took his honey-do list with a fervor and dug right in, finishing it WAY before I returned home. He threw out everything I asked him to, and even on his own initiative, he packed up a box with our board games. Because I want our lives to be fairly normal up until the move date, I have refused to live out of boxes up to this point. Many of our items are still as they should be IN the house. Our garage is packed and organized, ready for the moving truck. A packup plan is in place, moving materials have been ordered...

Living in the in-between is so hard.

Maggie

Jack Russells are notoriously intelligent dogs. Our two, Maggie and Rosco, recognize words and what they could mean to them.

"Wanna eat?" means that their bellies will get filled.

"Wanna treat?" means that their bellies will get filled with treats.

"Wanna go outside and go potty?" means that they get to go outside and smell things and pee on things.

"What do you want?" means that I'm about to ask a serious of questions that they will recognize. See the three questions above.

"Kitty cat" means that there is a cat somewhere in our vicinity and they need to find it in order to bark at it.

"Track it" means that they need to smell out a rodent in the yard by sticking their noses in holes.

"What was that?" means that I heard a noise that they didn't yet. When I ask this, they typically bark right away and then listen.

********
Yesterday, I was sitting on the toilet and Maggie joined me in the bathroom (which is actual typical). She walked in, sat on the rug and looked up at me. For fun, I asked her, "What do you want?"

Her ears perked up and she stared more intently into my face to listen.

Sometimes I throw words in my sentence that she will recognize, just out of order than the commands I use above. I asked her, "Is it time to EAT?"

Maggie began to wag her tail faster.

I smiled my devious smile, and then asked, "Maggie, wanna EAT... a KITTY CAT?"

Her tail stopped wagging, and because she doesn't normally hear those two words in the same question, her eyes left my face and looked went to a spot on the wall behind my head. With almost indifference, it was as if she replied to my question with a "Would you PLEASE stop teasing me, and just give me something to EAT."

Lakeview, Oregon

We are excited to begin this new chapter in our lives. And the first step: moving to Lakeview. When we've spoke to the locals about moving, their response is that Lakeview is a community one in its own. Others have said that the community will grab you and it's hard to leave.

We visited the small town that we will be calling home, and we were surprised by how much bigger it was compared to what we thought. Although the winds are getting cooler and the town folk are starting to hunker down for Winter, we are looking forward to getting settled in our new community.

Breakfast at a cafe means paying minimal for large quantities of food. While we waited for our breakfast, many folks came in and sat down, greeting old friends on the way to their table. When we asked the gal at the local burger joint how long she had lived there, her reply: "I was born here. So, I've lived here my whole life. Wait, I take that back... I left for a couple of years after high school, but then I wanted to come back." When we went to the "local watering hole", the bartender sat and chatted with us, informing us all about the town and the other businesses.

An aerial shot of the community:














The typical landscape outside of town. Houses are surrounded by trees:














Being downtown makes you feel like you've stepped out of a Western movie:














What you see when you leave the community:














The cowboy that protects the local Safeway:

Thinking ahead

It seems surreal that we will be moving. Especially since I'm not freaking out and buying boxes and frantically stuffing all of our belongings into them.

Our last move was hectic. We threw everything in boxes and Scott and my dad made multiple trips in trucks to move. Many items were loose.

This time, we are putting our whole lives in a moving truck and hauling everything down in one move. A moving truck will haul our four-wheeler trailer. My dad's truck will haul stuff and a car. And our other car will be driven. It's strange to think about the fact that everything we own will be in a moving truck caravan.

But I guess that's how the Oregon Trail settlers felt... Glad we don't have horses to feed on the way down.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program..

Holy moly. I had a heck of a blog hiatus, didn't I?

Since February 2010, we moved closer to Scott's work. He had a heck of a commute from north Portland to south Portland. Every. Day. And every day, it was awful. I felt for him, and since I had no idea where my job was going to be, we moved.

And now we will be moving again.

After many job applications, interviews, and rejections, I got a call out of the blue. It was a phone interview. And I landed the job immediately. It was so crazy. I begin the job the same week that my unemployment runs out. Talk about ironic.

It sounds strange to some, but I know that I wasn't supposed to get a job until now. God knew that I wouldn't have been able to fully heal emotionally from the layoff rejection feeling, the financial setback we experienced, the miscarriage depression, and emotional turmoil within myself... if I had had a job to fully drown myself within. Working has always been a cloak, and I had to focus on myself for awhile without one. And being jobless worked.

It was around late Spring and early Summer that the black cloud suddenly and surprisingly lifted. I finally felt my shoulders loosen up. I had renewed hope, and so I fully embraced it. It feels SO good compared to the low where I was for a little over a year.

I'm back. And we are ready for our new adventure. We are excited to finally plant roots and start our life again. It feels like we've been on pause for quite some time.

Have fun reading... More postings soon!

Absent But Not Gone...

"Honey, you haven't blogged in awhile..."

"I know, I know."

And I will get on it soon, I promise. Life is better, I am feeling good. This year will beat last year, I feel it. There are already new babies, new strides, new beginnings for many. The sun is breaking through.

But it's nice to know that my husband visits my page...

2009

I can't believe that it is New Year's Eve. It is the last day of the year 2009... And I guess I can't help reflecting on the past year. This year has been one of the most hardest, and most trying of years...

- We relocated to the Portland area from central Oregon. Scott began his brand new job as a special inspector, and found out that he probably doesn't want to do this job for the rest of his life.

- I went on some interviews... but didn't get a job offer.

- I willingly gave my car back to the retailer, relinquishing something that I was very proud of earning as an independent career woman. Common sense won the decision, and we decided that it wasn't worth the debt without the certainty of work in the future.

- We bought a small used Kia compact car for commuting. The engine blew up, and we spent the same price that we paid for the car to replace the engine. The car still runs us around town to this day.

- We began a tiring and expensive lawyer battle between Scott and his ex-wife concerning the custody arrangement of Connor during his future first year of kindergarten in central Oregon. Although we were working amicably with her in the beginning, Scott's ex-wife refused to work without lawyers. After spending thousands of dollars, a parenting mediation plan was informally put into place. (Later, her lawyer dropped her because she refused to pay his bill.)

- We bought a used Honda SUV for a good price. It appeared to have some problems with the transmission, and so we sold it a few months later.

- Scott's sister, Wendy, at 30 years old, finally moved out of their mother's house. Mentally retarded and autistic, she moved into an adult care facility for the first time in her life, and she adjusted remarkably well. She adjusted faster than her own mother!

- I began care taking for a good friend's grandmother, who had just had colonoscopy surgery. This nurtured a friendship that will now last a long time. She needed care for a few weeks, and I enjoyed every minute of her company. I still do, and we still often meet up for coffee or lunch.

- Scott's sister, Wendy, was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a full mastectomy. For health and safety reasons, Scott's mother also had a hysterectomy performed on her. She healed quickly and with minimal stress.

- My nephew came to live with us at the end of the school year, and he completed his last couple of months of first grade at a school only blocks from our house. I took over his care taking and jumped into a stay-at-home role and dropped him off and picked him up every day. After he went back to live with my sister, I couldn't help suffering a small loss.

- After only a couple of months of actually timing, we got pregnant! And what a surprise! My emotional meter went from shock, to fear, to planning mode, to excitement... while Scott was all smiles.

- Our bankruptcies were both finalized. Although embarrassing and not something that I will ever be proud of, it marked the beginning of something for the both of us: freedom from debilitating and cumbersome debt.

- I began to experience the emotional ups and downs of the first trimester of pregnancy. I felt more sorry for the men in my house, who had to endure the bipolarness of a woman experiencing the severe rollercoaster of emotions of having a giant hormone thing take over her body.

- We took Connor and my nephew camping at new local campgrounds and to the beach. We love this past time and we tried to vacation as much as we could. We enjoyed summer to its fullest.

- I began volunteering for Leadership Clark County, an organization that proved to introduce me to many great leaders in the community. I have met senators, State representatives, City councilmembers, mayors, small business owners, large corporation CEOs, volunteer Executive Directors, and many other inspiring (and some not-so-inspiring) people that help to make up our community. Did you know that the next mayor of Vancouver, Washington is a civil engineer?

- I went on more interviews... and still didn't receive a job.

- On August 5, 2009, we suffered from an emotionally painful and physically damaging miscarriage. My uterus ruptured and I lost over half of my body's blood supply, nearly ending my life. We ended up losing our little baby girl that was to be been born tomorrow, January 1, 2010. It would have been my first child and Scott's first daughter.

- I succumbed to a somber and dark depression. I couldn't share in any joy from anyone experiencing pregnancy or smile at anyone's happiness in motherhood. Many days, it was incredibly hard to get out of bed, and it was only my pride that got me up and kept me searching and applying for more job openings.

- I turned 30 this year, and with some money from our savings account, we decided to celebrate in one of our favorite spots: Vegas! We met up with friends and family, and it was very fun to enjoy my milestone birthday under the lights of the town-that-never-sleeps.

- After many examinations and some painful tests, we finally were able to learn of the reason for the miscarriage: a bicornuate uterus with a rudimentary side (that the fetus planted in) that didn't connect with the other useful side. After growing to just over 18 weeks, the fetus exceeded the capacity of that side of the uterus and she ruptured out the top.

- We met with many different nurses, radiologists, doctors, and surgeons, and finally, we were able to have the surgery to remove the left side of my uterus, reconstructing the right uterine horn for any future successful pregnancies.

- Scott threw out his back, putting him down and out for a couple of weeks, which took him to the doctor to get pain pills to make him more comfortable.

- The Christmas holiday was spent in both of our recoveries. Our house was basically considered a hospital ward! Luckily, we have a great family who helps out, and we are extremely thankful that they don't mind waiting on us for a little while.

...
I can honestly say with confidence, "Happy New Year!" I look forward to leaving this past year in the dusty archives, and I gladly look only ahead. I have confidence that this next year will bring happiness, joy, and even contentment. May it bring the same for you.

Please, raise your glass with me...

Pre-Op Appointment

Including this winter, I will have had surgery for the past three years. For two years, I've had my ACL repaired, and this year, I will have my uterus repaired.

At the preoperation appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Lee, we discussed my situation. He asked me questions about the history of my menstrual cycle (normal and very cyclic), we talked about my family history of abnormalities (my sisters extra ureter), and we reviewed my MRI in detail (I have both kidneys, hooray!).

After Dr. Lee questioned the severity of my cramping in the past during my menstrual cycles, I told him that I didn't think my cramps were bad at all. After he heard my answer, he cocked his head and looked into my face for a few seconds. After I fidgeted, he commented, "You seem like a very stoic person to me... After all, you went to 18 weeks pregnant, dealing with uterus cramping, and then went through a painful rupture... Can you tell me what you think your pain tolerance is like?"

It seemed like a hard question to me. How should I know if I have a high or low pain tolerance? What can I compare it to? And then I remembered a funny example, "Well, when I blew out my ACL while skiing, I skied down the mountain to my car and then drove myself to the emergency room. So, I guess some consider my pain tolerance is high."

The doctor-in-training that followed Dr. Lee into the room snickered at my answer. Dr. Lee smiled and wrote something down in his notes. Then, he turned to me and explained his conclusion about what I could have, and what he will do on the operating table.

I probably have something that is more considered a bicornuate uterus. He thinks that there probably was access to the left horn side, but it wasn't large. When the egg planted in that side, there wasn't good access for a vaginal miscarriage, and the uterine rupture was inevitable. After the miscarriage, the surgeon scraped the in-tact placenta from the uterus and may have scarred the opening shut.

Without using the 15-letter medical terminology words, he will begin the operation vaginally (laparoscopically) to see if he will be able to repair the opening between the two bicornuate horns and make it the uterus larger. He's not sure if that can't happen (because the connection between the two horns appears small), so he may have to just remove the left uterine horn and fallopian tubes completely.

I am so confident with this surgeon, I am not scared at all for this surgery. And I trust this great surgeon and his decision, because as he said, "We will do whatever to save the most of your uterus."

He added, "Now, I just have to legally list the possible things that could go wrong: there could be a loss of blood, bleeding out, or even a hysterectomy... And remember, don't eat anything for 24 hours prior to surgery."

Although I acknowledged everything that he said, the only thing I REALLY heard was that I couldn't eat! Ugh. THAT will be the worst part of the entire day.

An Inspiration Story of An Americal Life

I just finished an inspiration book. I'm silenced in admiration, actually.

I bought the biography to learn the author's life story, to hear a story of someone that appeared to have been dragged through a muddied political battle. I believe that the author did a fabulous job of describing their account of their situation, with excerpts about their strong political beliefs.

I am not a person that likes to have political jargon stuffed down my throat. I mean, who does? But I didn't feel talked to, or even berated if I disagreed, throughout this book. I disagreed with some of the author's stances, but the opinions were respectively described. Not cheered or shouted.

There were times during my book reading that either had me laughing, left me in awe, or even brought a tear to my eye.

Here are a few quotes that I don't want to forget, and probably won't:

"Her bluntness shocked me. I felt sick and hollow, and burst into tears. 'You have a couple of choices about getting rid of it,' (the nurse) said.
'It.' That's what she called our baby, whom we'd be calling Tad for three months...
I was stunned and felt so very empty. It was my first taste of close personal tragedy, the kind that rocks a relatively untested faith... As my mom had warned me years before, everyone goes through trials... A miscarriage is often dismissed as something a woman needs to shake off quickly, but it's impossible to explain the devastation and loss unless you've experienced it."

"The place came with a personal chef, but I unbudgeted the position... I also trimmed the state food budget by keeping our home's freezer stocked with the wild seafood we caught ourselves, as well as organic protein sources... If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

"'In politics, you're either eating well or sleeping well.' I wanted to sleep well."

And after she left the political limelight:

"Or, as my dad later put it, '(She's) not retreating, she's reloading.'"

A quote from another local author: "And no one ever told them what happens when you continually jab and pester a barracuda. Without warning, it will spin around and tear your face off."

Feeling better

I was in a good mood last night. Giddy almost.

I was explaining to Scott that I feel so much less lost because a date has finally been set for surgery to remove the ruedimentary horn on my uterus. Something that has to be done before we should think of getting pregnant again. And I can't help feeling more grounded because they have finally scheduled it.

Maybe it's because I LOVE having a plan. Or maybe because I excel when things are set in motion. Or because there is actually a date for me to move finally move forward physically past the entire miscarriage. Either way, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.

I also had an interview this morning, and lately, it feels like my life has been:

Application, Interview, No Job, Repeat.
Application, Interview, No Job, Repeat.
Application, Interview, No Job, Repeat.
Application, Interview...

But this interview went well. I felt like I explained my points well, and I impressed them with my knowledge and skill set. I know that it may not get me the job, since I am up against seven other incredibly talented people, but it felt good to finally have some confidence.

It's a good afternoon.