Bad-Day Grumblings

Waves of disappointment and sorrow come and go throughout the day. I accept that it will be this way for awhile.

We had such a great list of visitors come to see us in the hospital. We are very lucky to have such great friends and family. I have such appreciation for those people, and it makes me feel very guilty that their support doesn't seem to alleviate any of the pain from the loss. The pain is from an area in my body that I am almost unfamiliar with.

I search obsessively online for other stories of loss, looking for the possibility that there are other humans out there who have felt this pain. I want to hear that someone else in the World has had their uterus rupture in the strongest part of the uterus muscle.

And then, every day you are exposed to people that know about what happened to your family. That deep inside, they don't know if they can imagine having to ever go through the pain of what you went through, who congratulate you on your strength and ability to endure the pain, and who really have no idea what else to say. I've been that person before, and it's tough to find the words to encourage someone so depressed in their soul that they actually have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings.

What ARE you supposed to say to someone that just experienced the great loss of a miscarriage or a failed pregnancy? Right before we lost our baby, two of our friends went through the loss of their own pregnancy. I remember feeling so sorry for them, and so I told them just that. I told them that I thought life was unfair, and that I had a few questions for God myself.

And I still do. The list for God is just getting longer.