We were at the doctors a little over a week ago. I wanted Scott with me then, because it was my first time back to my OBGYN's office since we lost the baby. The doctor let us know that he needs to monitor my hormone levels in order to make sure that the "mostly removed" placenta hasn't attached to anything else inside my body.
The office is a nice, cheery office, and it was always for happy reasons that I was there before. Back then, I was pregnant... always happy to see nurses, always anticipating to hear the sound of the baby's wonderful heartbeat.
So when we went back last week, I could distract myself with Scott's company to avoid thinking about everything that was missing. And I held it together so well, up until we were leaving the office.
The secretary looked up from her seat as we approached, asked us which doctor we had, and what our names were for our next appointment. Those questions were easy, but suddenly she looked up at us and cheerfully asked, "When is your due date?"
Her question hit me straight in the stomach, so I stared at her coldly and replied, "We don't HAVE a due date."
Flustered, she replied, "Oh. I'm sorry."
As I shook my head, I tried to be angry. But I knew in my heart that this lady was just being nice and probably asked us the same question that she asks numerous ladies all day long. It's a conversation starter, a cheerful greeting for a lady in an OBGYN office. But at that moment, tears filled my eyes. I turned around quickly and left. Scott held me against him as we walked down the hallway outside of the office.
Today was the day that second appointment was made. Scott had to work, so I went alone. I have been feeling emotionally strong lately, so I didn't think much of it. But about an hour before I had to leave for the appointment, I got word that my cousin had just gave birth to her third baby. A boy. And I was happy for her. Very happy. They already have two girls, so this boy was refreshing and exciting for them.
As I headed back toward the back of the house, preparing to leave, my eye fell on the very small velvet bag of ashes on our shelf. As a quick thought, I decided to take the and put them in one of the bedrooms instead. And as I carried the small bag down the hallway in my own hand, I imagined at that moment my cousin holding her big baby boy in her arms. And I couldn't help it, but I began to sob.
So, it was with this preface that I drove to my doctor's appointment... To that cheery office full of pregnant ladies... Ladies who (as I sat in my own examining room) asked the doctor questions about their pregnant through ultra thin walls... questions I already knew the answers to.
As soon as I was able, I left the office quickly as I could. And outside of the office, I couldn't stop myself from breaking down. I had held them back for so long, the tears fell quickly.
The bad days definitely come and go less and less. And I look forward to the day that I can just smile at giddy, happy pregnant ladies, and remember the best parts of my pregnancy.
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