It's funny. About four months ago, I can remember sitting in my cubicle on the second floor of my old office building. I remember looking out the window and wanting, WISHING, that I could actually be home, sitting in front of the fire, reading a book. I was so bored at work, I was wondering what it would be like to not have the responsibility of full-time work.
And today, I sit in front of the fire on a Friday afternoon, reading articles online. Am I satisfied? Hardly. I WISH I was back at work. Bored at work even, I'd take that over not.
I met a fellow laid-off friend for lunch the other day, and since the day we both were laid off, she gave me an update. She is developing her own landscape architecture consulting business. Her husband is a great asset, as he just opened a brew pub in a small town where they live. She is doing much better, she tells me. She sets the alarm and gets up early, takes a shower and gets dressed. She sits in her home office for four hours and then schedules things for the afternoon. She works out, she cleans her house.
She is... well, productive.
And I am... well, a bit jealous. I feel sluggish and depressed.
The other night, I woke up at 2:30am. A feeling of weighted depression came over me, and I couldn't stop thinking about all the unknowns in our life right now. In a world of black and white, I am wholly in the grey. Waiting on the house to sell... waiting on Scott's company to give him a start date... waiting to hear from the companies that I've applied for... waiting to find out what will happen with our custody with Connor when we leave... just waiting.
It seems that everywhere I look or even the people that I read about or talk to... I continue to see success. My landscape architect friend's new business card sits in my worn wallet. Another friend is getting a massage and going skiing this weekend. A woman blogger I follow just finished another book and will be going on tour in the Spring.
At home all the time... well, a house can only get cleaned and organized so much. I feel a claustrophobia that I'm not used to. Even though our budget is tight, I try and schedule to meet friends for lunches. I volunteer when one of us needs to do something in town. I need to get out of these walls.
Perhaps the depression I feel is also a repercussion of having to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy on the debt that I accrued over the last ten years. Debt that I cannot pay with my unemployment income (which totals under half of what I was making before). And although I have friends and family who have filed bankruptcy in the past, I can't help feeling like a failure. To myself. Filing the paperwork, to me, is a like stamping your forehead with the words "Couldn't handle the debt I chose to get into." And although there is also the relief that I won't still be paying off the same credit cards many more years from now, it still sucks.
A couple of days ago, I realized that only I will be able to get myself out of this temporary emotional funk. And so, I have a plan. I will be setting myself a schedule, take some free online courses (provided by my late-employer), walk the dogs regularly. Things like that.
2009 WILL be the best year. I just know it.
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